You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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