sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
