Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
