if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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