I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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