I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
