that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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