I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize