So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
