We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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