My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
