I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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