Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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