Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
