I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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