I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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