Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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