it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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