we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
