You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
