Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
