saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
