He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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