please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
