it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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