He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
