If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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