I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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