Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize