K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
