I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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