You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Sober January is a disaster.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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