My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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