Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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