So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
