Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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