I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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