She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I touched a dick in church today
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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