when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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