Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
