respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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