and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
