My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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