I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
