You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
