I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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