we're chasing vodka with high fives
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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