:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
