We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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