My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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