I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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