I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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