when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
