she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If that was your dad, he is hot
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
