I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
