Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
