she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
